OK, so I've sort of been vaguely thinking about this for a while and the fact that I've decided to actually do it whilst intoxicated is probably not the best idea ever but also it probably means I'll be the most honest, if not the most articulate that I'll ever be. But hey, I've decided that I'm 22 and my literacy skills are far higher than most people in my peer group so I'm quite clearly very definitely allowed this one post. The great thing about this being my blog is that if in the cold, sober light of day I decide that this decision was not the wisest ever, then I can delete and pretend that it never happened.
When I left England, I sort of felt that I had some things to move on from and forget about and, I've no idea why, but I thought that some sort of magic wand would be waved somewhere over Asia and it would be like all the things that bothered me when I was in Britain would be gone. What I should have realised and what, realistically, I knew to to be the case deep down, is that you can't pick and choose what parts of your life/world you package up and take with you on your travels, even if it is to the other side of the world.
Had it been my choice, I would have brought with me only the thoughts of my friends and my family and the good things associated with that. As for the other, quite probably more negative things, I would have chosen to forget those or, foolishly, believed them to be in the past or moot points once I'd hit 25 000 feet.
What surprises me is the way things have taken up my mind. Bizarrely, my family, whilst never far from my thoughts, have never been a worry to me. Perhaps because I know they will always be there what with the whole flesh and blood thing. I have loved having Daddy at the end of my email every day in that over protective father way. Partly because it's something of a novelty, partly because to me it reiterates how much of a bloody daddy's girl I am!
I have thought a lot about my friends back home and how much they really mean to me. In a situation such as this, relationships can be very intense but, probably more saliently, very artificial. Within a few hours people become your entire world, being almost in situ families and best friends. But it doesn't stop me thinking about all the things I can say to my friends back home and the extent to which they know me, from the silliest little thing I did last week to my biggest fears of all. And it's kind of carp, them not being around all the time for every whim and fancy of my butterfly brain.
Probably the most bizarre thing of all my sort of 'moving on' stuff and all the like dealing with the past and putting it in a box neatly labelled 'The Past' is the fact that, before I went, I think I'd had more closure on my relationship than it turns out I had. I really thought I was pretty much over it and all I needed to do was the final moving on part which would have come from my leaving UK. It turns out, oh, I really hadn't, which actually is bizarre. Like, I don't know, you think that you are doing something completely different and it turns out that 11000 miles is not enough to tuck your life away into a neat little box. I am not exactly thrilled that I have to allow even more time to pass, now, given that I spent six months being extraordinarily patient. I live in hope that it will put itself into a box soon enough and I'll not be thinking what if and wondering to what extent I failed for the rest of my life. The finer points of this situation are constantly in the back of my mind to question in that age old female way of the whys, wherefores and what ifs. As is entirely typical.
I've also had to basically cut somebody out of my life and I'm not too thrilled about that. If I could change things, I would and it's really selfish to just think about how bothered I am that I have had to lose a friend and wish the circumstances were different when the situation is so much bigger than that. Again, remnants of England that shouldn't have come with me and now, after probably far too long in denial, I'm on the way to reconciling myself with the situation and will, I've no doubt, be completely fine with it soon enough. It's just a bit of a rubbish way to have to lose a friend when you kind of feel like it's for a moot reason.
In any case, I am convinced that soon enough I will consider all of this to be so far in the past it'll be sort of meaningless. However right now it feels very, very much in the present and not in a good way but in a slightly icky wish I could forget it all way. In part it makes me wish I'd already been away for six months.
You'll all see no comments on this post an I've gotten to the point now where I am too tired and my clarity of mind too blurred to really continue and in fact probably the last three paras make no sense. Anyway, needless to say, no comments on this on any other post, thanks. This is my blog and I can control it. Plus I'm a control freak. True story.
